Primitive unicorn societies (those prior to human colonization) actually utilized an early form of democracy in electing leaders of unicorn tribes. While other ancient species locked horns and battled for supremacy, unicorns were the first animals to exhibit a form of civilized government. Once unicorns were forced into the periphery by both humans and changing weather patterns, they lost their ties to governmental leadership. It’s the duty of all unicorn supporters to carry on the unicorn’s democratic legacy by voting, especially for pro-unicorn candidates. Read all candidate profiles before making your final decision. Vote.
Unicorn ornaments? Really? Despite the obvious problems with the tapered flight pattern, colorful wings and fairy masks, we at Save Our Unicorns feel this product that clearly does not know unicorns can be best utilized as a teaching tool, one to chronicle the true connection between unicorns and Christmas.
Some Christian scientists have considered the real possibility of a unicorn in attendance at the birth of Jesus Christ, the very first Christmas, but the real harmony of the world’s most popular holiday and the entire unicorn species did not form until the Middle Ages. At a time when Christmas trees were not displayed proudly and the only Christmas lights were candles placed on one’s windowsill, one small English village named Dresmy turned out to be the dimmest in the country. Populated by peasantry that could nay afford candles, the eve before Christmas was as dark a time as any for Dresmy.
As legend has it, however, that very night, a young child who had ventured far from home, lost seeking her parents in the darkness, stumbled upon a bright light in the wood. She followed the light, but as she approached it, she could hear footsteps rushing away from her, into the darkness, the light along with it. Chasing the light, she was dumbfounded to see that she chased it all the way back to town. The town was now illuminated, but by nothing artificial. Standing before the young girl was the supposedly mythical creature she had chased. It was the unicorn. The unicorn’s horn glowed with grace, poise and nobility, blanketing the town of Dresmy with the first Christmas light it had ever seen.
This holiday season, think of the great gift unicorns have given us for years, and make a donation to Save Our Unicorns. They saved Dresmy 600 years ago, and now is our opportunity to be the ones to save them. Don’t waste your spending money on artificial, ephemeral ornaments, but use it to procure hope for an entire species for years to come.
Glassist (glass-ist) n. A unicorn who observes a conservative political mentality, despite often supporting practices against his/her own best interests. Found primarily in countries nearest the Equator.
Cloud Scout is such a Glassist. I can’t believe he’s going to that pro-fur rally!
Offender: Archie McPhee’s Unicorn Code Messenger Bag
Now, here at Save Our Unicorns we don’t like to pick on the same organization multiple times—especially as unicorn awareness is still low, making it easy to misrepresent them on several occasions. However, Archie McPhee’s unicorn claims are tragically setting the movement backwards. First, their Unicorn vs. Narwhal Play Set set up unicorns as violent fighters. This time, the organization has at least backed down from assumptions of unicorn violence, but still casts a series of untruths on the fun-loving, peaceful animals with the Unicorn Code Messenger Bag.
From the onset of this product, the picture of the messenger bag misrepresents the way unicorns display rainbows. It’s a common misconception that unicorns shoot rainbows out of their eyes during sunset in the spring, yet in reality unicorns are far more apt to shoot rainbows out of their eyes at high noon during the first week of summer.
The rules themselves are misleading. For one, unicorns do exhibit displays of conceitedness, due mostly to their excessive beauty. Secondly, unicorns have recently been proven to judge people—an expected occurrence due to our rampant destruction of key unicorn habitats. Finally, as we have stated before in our Do Your Part segment, unicorns are born with an afflicting dependency on alcohol—which, albeit not a drug, should prohibit the rumor that unicorns are entirely drug-free. Lies like these lead to human carelessness and, ultimately, destruction among unicorn populations.
If you plan to use unicorns for marketing purposes, Save Our Unicorns recommends extensive research prior to product development.
Do your part to save our unicorns by recycling empty bottles of alcohol.
The womb of a pregnant unicorn naturally produces significant amounts of alcohol, which plays a key role in the early developmental stages of the unicorn fetus. Unfortunately, when a newborn unicorn exits the womb, it enters the world with a crippling addiction to alcohol. While the unicorn community has a naturally occurring support system for this, the newborn is only truly able to overcome its alcoholism because of a lack of access. However, if a young unicorn were able to stumble across a discarded bottle of alcohol, even the smallest drop could send it into a self-destructive, drunken haze. Recycle your empties.
If you haven’t heard much about the whole Jon and Kate Gosselin fiasco, you may have been living in a cave for the past year, which is true for many unicorns due to increasing foreclosures. However, Jon and Kate’s untimely divorce and subsequent media battle—as their TLC show Jon and Kate Plus 8 continues—does not just affect their eight children.
While most unicorns are proficient readers, many pick up natural tendencies of dimadian (non-unicorn) culture from magazines at the checkout aisle of local groceries. Whereas those magazines generally offer a glimpse of the breadth of dimadian life, of late they have bombarded unicorns with images and facts about Jon and Kate, abandoning them to the belief that Jon and Kate Gosselin are prototypes. Unicorns have become troubled and confused when discovering that their knowledge of Jon and Kate does not translate into success in the dimadian world.
With so many opportunities to collect information in an age of unlimited media, Jon and Kate’s pervasiveness is growing harmful for unicorns, perhaps causing more irreversible damage than that caused to the Gosselin children.
September 1, 2009—A new mystical power of the supernatural unicorn horn has been unearthed.
Even unicorn hobbyists know the unicorn horn has the powers to heal wounds, grant flight to the bearer, and glow in the dark, but a Transcenta unicorn recently came forward to prove his horn has an entirely different use: skywriting.
Prince Casper—Prince to his friends—first approached the local Transcenta board and then the Portugese government that owns and operates the unicorn reservation dominantly housing the Transcenta squad. Directing his horn to the sky and taking aim, Prince Casper was able to make a piercing, laser-like light emanate from his horn, cutting a swath in the sky. When the light subsided, the words ‘Hello from Prince’ remained etched in the heavens.
Scientists are questioning Prince Casper on his technique and the possibility of harnessing the gift for military purposes.
It’s easy to criticize others, specifically the elite media, for their lack of knowledge in all things unicorn. But at Save Our Unicorns, we also like to acknowledge the times when people get it right. Such is the case with Chris Bishop’s unicorn-inspired t-shirt design, entitled Afternoon Delight.
With simple aesthetics and vibrant color choices, Bishop’s design perfectly captures the raw yet beautiful act of two unicorns making love. Specifically recreating the point of orgasm for the male unicorn that, according to folklore, is immediately proceeded by the appearance of a rainbow. As loyal readers of this blog surely know by now, the unicorn population is dwindling rapidly. While it’s common for two unicorns to cross paths, it’s extremely rare for those two unicorns to fall in love. Thus, the act of two unicorns making love is something that should be celebrated. Not just because of the long odds those unicorns faced in finding each other, but because of the much-needed potential boost a pregnant unicorn could have on the entire population.
Offender: Archie McPhee’s Unicorn v. Narwhal Play Set
Unicorns, by their very nature, are docile creatures. They are fun-loving, energetic and, most of all, peaceful. Therefore, when a company comes along and dare implies that unicorns would best be featured in a bloodthirsty battle with yet another peaceful horned mammal, it goes beyond not knowing unicorns. This is not knowing nature.
Archie McPhee’s Unicorn v. Narwhal Play Set selfishly casts unicorns as majestic horned beasts who are willing to use violent tactics to obtain equal rights. In actuality, unicorns utilize nonprofit organizations such as Save Our Unicorns or the Unicorn Naturalization Collaborative of Lower Edinburgh (UNCLE) to advance their cause. Archie McPhee also claims that “there is only room enough on this earth for one”—referencing both unicorns and narwhals—when the two creatures can obviously live in fine, proper harmony, especially as one is a seafaring creature while the other is often timid around water.
Although scientists identify a narwhal’s horn as an offensive weapon during mating season, the narwhal rarely attacks land creatures, especially unprovoked. Despite Archie McPhee’s implication that unicorns and narwhals have dueled twice in the past, there is also no historical evidence that these battles have ever transpired.
Today, in an elaborate ceremony, Chicago’s Sears Tower officially changed its name to the Willis Tower after much anticipation since the shift in ownership was announced earlier this year. As expected, Chicagoans protested in the most effective way to protest anything—forming Facebook groups—and complaints regarding the name change resounded throughout the airwaves and neighborhoods. With the official renaming to Willis Tower, questions are arising: the most important being “How does this affect unicorns?”.
The answer is simple: it does not affect unicorns in any way. Much like it doesn’t affect anyone in any way. It’s a building. Nothing more.
Protest something that really matters, like the plight of unicorns.
